Honey, I'm Home

I'm back. I've missed blogging, but haven't had the desire to resume nor had the time, until today. I decided I need to blog. I need the outlet. It is therapy for me and I've missed my sessions.

So much has happened since March 3, 2011. I started work at the MGM the end of that month, after being at home for 16 years. Jon was hired by the State and moved to Reno to get settled. I always wanted to live there and was so excited for a new beginning - then he was laid off - the rest of us never made it there. It wasn't in God's plan for us. Several months later he was hired by another company in Vegas, then 2 months later his position was eliminated, along with a handful of others. He hasn't worked since, but thankfully we have his retirement from 20+ years with the City of LV. 6 weeks ago he started real estate school and will test for his brokers license next week. He has work lined up already and our future looks really bright and secure. He has a spark ignited in him and is so excited for this new chapter to begin. In 2013 we lost our house, moved to Green Valley, Olivia graduated from high school, and we lost Ian. Max graduated this past June will start college in January, and Meggie starts high school this fall. I'm still at the MGM. My kids are growing up too fast!  I can't catch my breath.

We officially dealt with Ian's addiction beginning in 2010. We didn't realize that we had actually been experiencing it much longer, since about 2007, but were too blind to see what was going on. This was a hell I would never wish on any parent - to try but not be able to do anything for your child who has succumb to such a terrible disease, by choice, is a nightmare. You want to make them better, you

want to keep them from harm, but you can't. You can only encourage them to make the right choice, pray for them, and tough love them almost to death.  You can force them into rehab, numerous times, only to fail because they didn't want it for themselves. It's not until they, hopefully, reach that point of deciding on their own that they don't want that life anymore. They want to change and try to stay clean. Ian finally made this choice in 2013. He chose his life. He renewed his choice of God.  He made right with everyone and, most importantly, with God and himself.  We had about 6 weeks of that Ian. He still stumbled, but each time picked himself up and started on the renewed path he had chosen. I believe Ian was not meant for this world. He was a genius, an amazing musician, and so creative with gadgets. He could debate God vs. science with anyone then turn around and cook something amazing from scratch. But he didn't fit. Deep down I somehow knew he wouldn't be here for long and that became evident the morning of November 10, 2013 when he passed at home from an accidental overdose. He was here just 21 short years, several of which were very painful for him and us, but the good memories are there, and the memories of the new Ian we had for 6 weeks. I miss him every day. I think of him every day. Some days hurt so bad I just want to die, but other days I can smile. As a mother, when you lose a child a part of you dies with them. Someone you carried for 9 months, someone who came from your body, I think it's only fair that we get to feel this, even though it sucks. It's different for a father, not to say the loss is any less, but the pain is different for a mother, nonetheless. I have a great game face, though. most days I'm sure no one can ever tell what I'm experiencing inside - the gut wrench, heartache, feeling like I want to break into tears (which I usually do when I can sneak away to an alone place). Some days I can't hold it back and it just comes out in the strangest places...the grocery store - usually the frozen section, the gym, work, driving in the car, at a stop light, or even at the car wash. It's a necessary release that lets me get on with my day. It's part of the life-long grieving process I will go through. Mind you, it's not every day. I have come to terms with Ian's death, but will always have periodic moments of overwhelming emotion that will hit without notice. That's just life. I am happy that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is with God. I received blatant confirmation of that the morning he passed, so that is such a comfort, as strange as it may sound. He lives on through memories and I feel him with me so many times during the week. This is a gift I hope will continue on until I see him again. Meanwhile, we get to enjoy Max, Olivia, and Meghan. We reminisce about Ian and the crazy memories we have. We've learned to cherish every moment with each other and try to not sweat the small stuff. Each month that goes by I feel a little stronger. I'm still mourning, and will always be mourning to a degree, but this loss has brought so much growth to our family. I know that makes Ian happy and he has been pulling for us to make it through all of our trials.

Someone told my husband the other day that we are finally coming out of our Job (Jobe) season. We've lost so much and endured so much pain, but are now showing so much personal growth because of it. We have come to a place where we can move into a new season filled with happiness and joy. We're getting our joy back. I'm excited for what's to come and thankful for all we have been through. It takes fire to refine. It's painful, but necessary sometimes. Our faith allows us to understand and accept this and also gets us through the "firey" times. We will always have trials, but it's the lessons we learn and the growth from it that counts each time.  Sometimes it's 3 steps forward and 4 steps back, but each time we're still moving forward.

For now, I will get up from my session couch, put on my superhero cape, and move on with my day. It's good to be back in therapy. I'm taking Dr. Leo Marvin's advice to permanently vacation from my problems. Eventually I will be on a boat sailing. Baby steps, Bob.  Baby steps. My goal is to become a local so I can wear the shirt.

P.S.  Death therapy. It works. I can say that.

AAUGH!!! (like Charlie Brown says)

Remember when I forgot to mention in my last post that I made a new friend in the first month of this new year?  New friends are the best...they are fun, don't inflict any pain unless you want them to, make you laugh, and let you sleep at night (unless they're a really great friend and drunk-call you in the middle of the night).  Um, no.  Not this one.  This one is more like the snarky Lucy Van Pelt from Charlie Brown.

My new friend is a kidney stone, proudly revealing itself via CT scan at the ER on January 28th.  Yay for this friend.  It is NOT fun, inflicts severe PAIN, and makes me CRY!  The ER told me this friend was 4 mm big, supposed to pass over the next few days, and the pain would subside soon but I would now be susceptible tothem in the future so be sure to always drink lots of water.  A week later my pain had subsided and I figured it had broken up and passed through.

This friend had other plans and decided, unbeknownst to me, to hang out for a while, enjoying my kidney-shaped couch.   Well, this past Saturday, February 26th (one month later) it knocked on my inner door again and, when I didn't immediately answer, decided to ring the bell very loudly.  I was surprised that another would form so quickly and decided to ride it out with pain meds.  By Monday I had all the symptoms of a bladder infection and figured I better go to the doctor soon.  Saw one on Wednesday, was immediately referred to a urologist and seen on Thursday.  This guy told me the ER didn't give me correct info...it is 6 mm in size and I should have been referred out right away.  Apparently 5 mm and above can be dangerous, requiring surgery because they rarely break up on their own and pass.  Mine had traveled down to just above my bladder and decided to comfortably camp there.  I say comfortably meaning IT is comfortable there.  I am not comfortable with it there.  It's blocking the tube from my kidney so everything is backing up and causing swelling.  Again, yay.  I need minor surgery to get rid of it.  I'll spare you the details given by the doctor on how he will be approaching this friend.  Google it if you must.  I'm sure Wikipedia has a good description of how the procedure is done.  :::sigh:::

Anyway, I should get some sort of immediate relief (yay - as in 'there was much rejoicing...yay', like they do in The Life of Brian) and my friend will be gone soon.  It will be zapped with a laser (ack!) and ride through the stent tunnel with the backed-up tsunami that will come from my right kidney when it expresses it's sighs of "relief".  (again, yay)

(me) Hoping it doesn't happen again.  (me, again) Doesn't like the word "susceptible".  I'll let you know the "outcome".  The end.

I've decided that "GRRRR" is a word and is now my favorite...

Holy cow, I can't believe there hasn't been a new post on my blog since before my knee surgery in October!  It's been a busy past few months, lots has been going on, I guess I just haven't had time.  The end.

Sooo, knee surgery went well.  Instead of a full replacement, I had a partial...2 compartments instead of 3...and also got a new knee cap.  Recovery has been good, but I still have a little ways to go before all the muscle pain is gone.  Still need to stick to my exercise regimen.  :::sigh:::  It's easier said than done.  Oh, and did I mention...I'm now down 78 pounds?  (yay).

Jon is still unemployed.  Job finding hasn't been so successful.  He's looked and looked and looked up North to no avail.  Now we're looking for cities in other states that we'd be interested to raise our family in.  Idaho, Tennessee, Maine, Virginia, Utah, Washington State (snicker), Oregon.  Also looking in Canada.  Gotta go where the work is.  Please keep us in your prayers.  We honestly never expected to be out of work for this long.  It's been 9 months.  Sooo thankful for the unemployment extension and other benefits we're currently receiving.  Just wishing we wouldn't have to use them any longer!

Max is great!  His follow-up appts. with doctors at UCLA and here in December all say he's recovered completely from the meningitis.  His MRI showed no signs of brain swelling and eye exams confirmed only damage to his periferal vision in both eyes and 20/40 vision in his left eye.  Right eye vision is back to 20/20.  He wears cool specs now to correct the blurry left eye, but doesn't need them all the time.  Usually only when he's doing school work on the computer.  He's so fortunate to have come out of this illness alive, first of all, and second to only have small vision challenges.  We almost lost him twice and, until he got to UCLA, it looked like his vision wasn't going to return.  He's living proof that Jesus likes America too, and miracles happen in places other than The Holy Land.  Just sayin.  So, he's happily continuing with middle school at home through Odyssey Charter School, along with the occasional argument with his siblings.

Meghan.  Ohhhh Meghan.  How do I describe thee?  Let me count the ways.  She was officially dx'd with ADHD in September and was really struggling in school.  By December, she had fallen so far behind her classmates that Jon and I decided it was time to give her one-on-one attention and home school her.  We pulled her out of school right before Winter Break and enrolled her in Odyssey.  Because Max and Olivia have done so well in the program, I knew it would be great for Meg.  So far she's doing really well and has caught up in most of the areas she fell behind.  She misses her teacher and friends, but loves being home with everyone.

Olivia  has experimented with different hair colors.  Most girls/women try blonde, red, dark brown, etc., etc.  Our creative, eccentric artist goes a different route...blue, plumb, cotton candy pink.  It took me a long while to agree, and we started out with burgundy streaks.  That moved to other colors, which I have to say turned out pretty cool.  Never thought I'd like it, but now it's hard to picture her with normal, dark brown hair.  Currently she's hot pink...not my fave, the plumb/purple is, so we're going to go back to that this week.  She's loving being back in Odyssey for 10th grade.  We had her try public school at Chaparral for 9th and it was a disaster.  Grades are back up to where they should be and she has lots of time to work on her painting.  She also gets to work with a teacher friend at another school, who's taking her through an art program one day a week, kind of like an elective.

Ian graduated last June and has had some struggles, but is finally heading in the right direction.  He's got some tough obstacles to overcome, but will get through the rough stuff with our support.  He's got a great future a head of him and looks forward to college and studying to become an engineer, probably structural.

These are frustrating but exciting times for this Boardman family.  We've been placed in situations we NEVER thought we'd ever be in.  Our faith in God has been challenged and, I'm happy to say, we've had more success than failure in that department.  Our entire family has been forced to deal with the "product of our environment" issues and we're all on the road to healing.  Jon and I have been married 21 years this past January 20th, and just now feel like we have the beginnings of a good marriage.  It is so refreshing.  We've found a new place to worship closer to home, until we know what our future holds.  Will we stay here in Vegas?  Hope not.  Will we move to Reno?  Hope so.  Will we move to a completely different state?  Maybe.

Change came crashing down on us all at once, like a bolt of lightening.  We've weathered most of the storm, so far, and as we look back, we can see that a lot of it was necessary for specific changes to happen, and others had to happen in order to deal with illnesses and other events that were unforseen.  No regrets.  Now we're relying on faith that we're coming out of the woods and work for Jon is just over the foothill.

Knee-jerk...

11 days and counting...my right knee will finally be fixed!  I get a partial replacement and a new knee cap.  How cool is that?  They're going to resurface one part of my joint with titanium, so my airport security experiences will change forever!

It's been a crappy few years with this stupid knee.  My first visit to a doctor 2 years ago for pain that I had been experiencing for about 2 years, was just the beginning of a horrible ordeal!  If you live in Las Vegas and ever have knee problems DO NOT GO TO DR. CICHON.  He is NOT a knee doctor, but thinks he is.  I can't tell you how many people I've spoken with the past 2 years who had work done by him and were in worse shape than before their surgeries.  Well, include me in that group.  Anyway, I was in more pain following his work than I was prior to surgery.  I went a year and found another great doctor, who was able to fix the mess-up, but a fall a couple of months later undid all his work and there was nothing more he could do, other than replacement in the future.  It's been a year since that fall and the pain is so bad that I have to suck it up and do the surgery.  Luckily, I found out it doesn't have to be a total replacement, so my recovery will be a little easier, although I WILL have a 4" Frankenstein scar in the middle of my knee just in time for Halloween!

A couple of my friends and family members have had the total replacement, so I kind of know what to expect following surgery and what recovery will be like.  I did find out I"ll have a nerve block again...so great!  I'll also come home with a pain block for a few days...so great!  The dr. has a new surgery center and private care facility at his offices, so I won't have to stay in the hospital (I'm looking forward to that!).  Surgery is on a Monday, and I'll get to come home some time the next day.

I'm a little nervouse because it won't be quick and easy like my prior arthroscopics, but in a few months I should be pain free and moving like normal.  It will be weird to NOT have pain anymore, because I've had it for so long, but I'm soooo looking forward to it!

"I drive with my knees, other wise how can I put on my lipstick and talk on the phone?"  Sharon Stone

Mandatory Crazy

I have this friend, you see, who is crazy and wonderful and wild and wise and her birthday is the day before Halloween.  That explains a lot, of course.  Anyway, I was explaining things to my great-friend-group, of which she is a part, about what we're experiencing right now in our messed-up life and one of her responses was "Is there any crazy you can cut out that isnt mandatory right now?"  Oh Shontell, I want to be you when I grow up!

I heart that she is the kind of person who actually accepts that crazy can be a healthy part of your life and is able to determine what's mandatory and what's expendable crazy.  :::sigh:::  To be that grounded and see clearly enough to toss out the not-so-important crazy and keep the mandatory crazy and just deal with it is a gift.  It got me thinking...I'm crazy, my husband is crazy, my kids are crazy, yet we are not expendable, so clearly I cannot cut us out.  grrrrr.  What CAN I cut out, though?

The fear and uncertainty is crazy and consuming.  It has to go.  Complete faith in God and finding focus is also crazy, but a mandatory one.  It has to stay and be bettered.  Piles of laundry and unfinished projects around the house are crazy, some mandatory, some expendable. 

I was finding myself thinking today that, when I was 5 and skipping around the kindergarten playground with my other girlfriends, or playing dress-up and dreaming of the princess life I would have with my great prince husband, living in my fancy house and being chauffer driven around town, not ONCE was the crazy picture we are experiencing right now EVER inserted.  Unsual things have happened to us these past few months that have changed us forever.  We will never be the same as we all were prior to May 26th when Jon was laid off.  Max will never be the same as he was the day before the beginning of his hospital stay on June 6th. 

Parts of us have died away, new parts have been birthed.  Some of that is good, some is bad, but bottom line is we are different now.  We are also a mandatory crazy.

Jimmy Hendrix said "crazy is like heaven."

Hmmm.

Grrrrrr...Learning Patience Is Going To Make Me A Patient!

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.  Romans 12:12

Waiting stinks.  Being patient stinks.  Grrrrr.  Every time we think we're going to have a definite answer to this job situation, it's met with MORE WAITING.  Very frustrating.

While dealing with this whole "Jon trying to get his job back" thing, it's been brought to my attention that I need to be learning more about being patient and waiting on God.  I don't know why He thinks that's best for me.  Sheesh, maybe because He's God and He KNOWS what's best for me.  :::sigh:::  Lately when I pray about our situation, or a specific meeting that's coming up, or something else specific relating to our situation, I get words in my head that tell me "be patient child, it will happen in My time...it will happen".  BUT WHEN GOD?  WHY CAN'T IT HAPPEN NOW?  WE HAVE BILLS, COLLEGE TO PAY FOR, A MORTGAGE, FOOD TO BUY etc., etc.  "I know all that and I will take care of you."  And He does, but that doesn't make this whole "patience" thing easy.  To quote someone elses blog...  "Patience is hard - it takes work, discipline and self-control. Someone once told me that God doesn’t grant us patience but gives us opportunities to learn patience."

I'm learning the difference between being patient and acting patient.  I've kicked and screamed, but I've actually given this to God a few times and it has made it easier.  I still have an occasional tantrum, which brings along frustration and mayhem, afterall I'm only human, but when I refocus and do what He's asking of me, it makes it easier to cope.  By switching my focus from "God, puhleeeeeeeease give Jon his job back, or puhleeeeeeeease bring Jon another job, or puhleeeeeeease move us to Reno" to "God, you know the desires of my heart and you know what we need, I know you will provide for us, please lead us in the right direction and cause us to do everything you want us to so we can be prepared to receive what you have for us, in your time."  :::sigh:::    Again, it is not easy to do this, but when I do, things fall into place and worry is replaced with peace and increased faith.  I alone have the ability to make things harder or easier for myself.  It's a choice.  Not an easy one, but a choice, nonetheless.

Today was a "bad choice" day, but tomorrow is a new day and I will try to do better.

Ah, patience.  I want it, now.

Who Knew?

Wow, what a summer so far.  I'm glad to say that Max is feeling much better now.  It's been almost 3 weeks since his release from UCLA Children's Hospital and each follow-up visit to the many different drs. he's seeing here is giving pretty much a clean bill of health.  His eyesight is still being watch, though.  The right eye did recover completely, but his left eye is still blurry.  His optic nerve is supposedly no longer swollen, so the drs. feel there has been some permanent damage to that eye.  It could take 6 months to a year for complete healing, but the signs that are showing up in different optical tests now lead them to believe that the nerve was damaged from all the pressure, and there was A LOT of pressure.  He's lucky to not have more damage than there is, and the blurriness that it's causing can be corrected with glasses.  He's not too happy about that, but I tell him "hey, you could be blind, sheesh."  I think he'll look pretty cool with glasses and, who knows, he might improve over the next several months.  We're definitely keeping it in prayers.  Look what prayer has done for him so far!  He was talking to me about that the other night after one of his appointments and asked "Just how many people were praying for me?"  I told him there were hundreds that we actually knew of, and he smiled and said "I felt it every day."  He was so great through this whole thing, never complaining, never really worrying, and never crying once.  He also didn't understand how sick he was until one of his drs. told him he's lucky to be here.  He knows he wasn't lucky.  It was the constant prayer.

Now that he's back and we've finally settled into a summer routine, we get to focus on Jon and his no-job situation.  Looking at the good that has come out of it...he was able to devote 24 hrs. a day to Max at both hospitals, then fly to Knoxville for a little r & r and drive Ian and Olivia home in a much-needed newer vehicle purchase, and now get some things done around the house...all of this would have been a struggle with his work "in the way".  Also, due to the nature of his lay-off, it allowed the incoming HR Director time to look into the situation and, after Jon meeting with him yesterday, there is a good chance he may be rehired and we'll know by this Monday afternoon.  Keeping that in our prayers, too.  We still feel the need to move our family, but a rehire would make that process a little easier.  It would ease the burden of HAVING to look for another job, and would allow us to finish up the things necessary to sell our house, allow Jon more time to find something to keep him in the same retirement system, get Max's follow-ups with the same drs., etc.

Lots of things can happen over the next few weeks.  May and June were huge months for us, so let's see what the rest of July has in store for.  It's definitely been a roller coaster ride, but what a view we've had!  I also LOVE roller coasters, so it's very ironic.  I realized this looking at pics I took while we were at the UCLA Medical Center.  This one was taken while Meg and I were on the roller coaster at the Santa Monica Pier, waiting for Max and Jon's plane to arrive.  It was exciting, but very peaceful.  It's funny how God reveals things to you.  :::sigh:::

Here's some more pics of our California trip....